My Creator, today grant me the wisdom to seek Your wisdom. Help me to Walk of the Red Road.

I've found a lot many things since moving home this summer... some good... some not so good. And this week I found out something else... and this time it was something about me.... Not one but two- two (?!) of my best friends have mentioned that I sometimes seem, well, there's no other word for it. Mean. All right so one said bitchy, but that shouldn't count. Check that- make it three friends... which of course for me is the number of confirmation. I believe that if I have three signs, three personal confirmations, three connections that mean something to me... well it's a sign from the universe.

They all told me that I seem, cold, distant and at times unfriendly - and I do realize that from time to time I may seem like I have a wall up...a fence really... okay so it's the highest castle walls in the sky, drawbridge drawn up tight, and the moat is filled with piranha. I swore I would never let anyone in again and me being me must have left a back castle door open somewhere, I must have gotten forgetful. That and the universe has made it so that I can't hide. Not that I was really trying to... more like trying to hide in plain sight...

So one of the bf's said to me that life was circular (mmhmm, sounds very familiar) and obviously (and I'm paraphrasing here, telling you all what I got out of this conversation) the universe has sent me back here to resolve all old issues so that I could keep going, I believe spiral was the exact word, and upwards would be nice... we all know you can't go upwards dragging baggage (not that I haven't tried... not that we all haven't tried)

And do love has found me again. I wish we had English words for types of love~ we have romantic love, sexual love, friendship love, family love, puppy love (and of course cat love) and not one of us can live without love. We all have it to give, and maybe if we just let ourselves.... we can accept it too...

Which leads me to my next confession, there's a reason I hide, that all this hurt has built walls... x0ximissyoux0x if you're reading this... I've been there, don't let it ruin your life like it ruined mine. Know that it will never go away, never heal in the way you want... but heal you will. Tell. Tell the world, don't keep it in, secrets will kill your soul. And suddenly you'll find yourself one day wishing the pain would leave but never knowing how to make it go away. You'll carry it as I have done, healing everyone else but myself... and suddenly one day you'll come face to face with your past and if you're as blessed as I am someone will love you enough to help you heal, several someones if you're as luck as I am.

I've been blessed enough to have someone, again, several someones see me for who I am. Usually I am the one who sees, not this time.... I've been seen.

So...

It's my time to heal, to spiral upwards if I can... and I'm not alone.

And x0ximissyoux0x? Neither are you... we're here, we're all here....



Seal ~ Love's Divine ~

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.